Monthly Archives: October 2014

Sex myths I – Let’s get into it: Gay men have quickies like in the movies

You might find what I’ll say offensive but I’m not here to discuss porn. Rather the everyday sex between two people which unfortunately is largely taboo and left undiscussed, and therefore deeply misconceived by the influence of myth-riddled porn.

So yeah, the sudden, passionate love-making between two men on TV or in movies, usually in the toilets of some place or a cupboard…We see it more and more now. That’s cute and clean. And bloody hot! But also false.

Anal sex requires preparation, that is quite technical sometimes, and some products! I am not just talking about the essential plug or dildo to stretch gently and gradually during foreplay, or the never-forget-me lube during penetration so it’s actually a pleasure and you avoid haemorrhoids.

Also, and mainly, the fact is that when you use that hole, if unprepared, there’s something happening in this area that sex dares not speak the name of. Yes, it’s here, that’s what it’s for basically.

So if you do want to have a quickie, bring a condom and be ready to get hurt, unless you’re as a horny pig as John Terry. Actually…Make it two or three condoms because there is a chance brown is going to soil and be ready for a quick clean-up too. Not so sexy anymore. Or quick, the gay quickie on TV.

In a nutshell, have anal sex is you really want it, not because you think you have to or because you’re just a bit horny.

And you need lube! So have one in your pocket with your phone.


Men will heal with rape again

A woman has received rape threats after she has recorded 10 hours of walking through New-York because the 2-minute video shows a worst-off street harassment: men heckling her and whistling at her, comparing her to a pile of money, following her, giving her their phone number. One even walked alongside her for more than five minutes.

So the logic reaction some men have is to threaten to rape her, of course. What else is new?

The Health Inquisition: Milk is plotting world’s death

tumblr_ne2gwfcJkA1rasnq9o1_1280 If I believe what American scientists are saying about milk and health, this map shows that Sweden, Finland, Denmark and the Netherlands should be the unhealthiest countries in the world. It turns out they are precisely the opposite.

Unfortunately, I also suspect that the researchers at the American universities are what we call “scientists” and if one looks carefully, one will find that most of their research are largely funded by private companies.

So yeah…bollocks!

“Why are you a feminist?”

Because a men’s world, patriarchy has brought one crucial idea:

Human beings as being “the acme of evolution” and men as being the strongest, most achieve human beings.

And all that gushed from it:

*Endless wars

*One-sided world: the denial of differences and violence against them.

*Human beings divided into races

*Violence as an acceptable mean of solving problems

*Colonialism, bullying and intimidation

*Inequalities and segregation based on the ranking of human beings according to their wealth, race, age, looks and gender

*Human trafficking

*Women and children as objects and resources at the service of men, as properties of men

*Women as sole baby factories, as slaves of/to their ability to give birth and without a say on their fate

*Submission of women as second class human beings

*Seeing human beings merely as economic resources with various worth

*Nature as disposable economic resources

*Animals and any other living organisms as objects (the fact the English language calls them “things” is striking)

*Death and prison for sexual orientation, different beliefs, disagreement and dissent.

*Men-centered religions

*Honor killings

*Serial killings

*Rape and sex as a weapon

*The creation of the “homo economicus” or the denial of human beings as living organisms lead by their feelings and psychological urges, rather driven solely by their cravings for more gain and power.

*The shaming of humans who are humane.

At the moment, the biggest hindrance to these changing is patriarchy. Now, I am not saying feminism will solve all problems, that would be foolish of me to think so, but most of them will definitely be left to History.

PS: Feminism doesn’t mean “a women’s world”, it means a equal world, a human world, a humane world, a “men and women’s world”.

Just sayin’ Monday III

“Men are afraid to be laughed at by women, women are afraid to be killed by men.”

Child-free spaces are essential to adult sanity and they should be protected. Why must couples take their baby to go to the pub? Since when has a place of smoking and drinking become a child-friendly place? Why do they have to be child-friendly?

Beyoncé is an adult who makes music for adults, not for six-year-old girls and she never pretended to do so. You have to be an adult to understand her lyrics and the meaning of her latest videos. A child will not see what you see: they will merely see a woman in a swimsuit dancing. You know sex, you see sex, they don’t. So she is not responsible or to blame for your child’s teenage promiscuity, your parenting skills are.

The Ebola has killed about 10,000 people in the last forty years. In 2012, Malaria infected 207 million people and killed up to 800,000; an additional average 1,5 million people die of tuberculosis every year but there is no emergency or masks given to the population, why? Because there is tiny, very little risk for these two plagues to infect the First World.

Today, civilisation is democracy, but one is as abstract as the other. So there is endless rivalry between the three oldest modern democracies, France, the UK and the US, to know who is the one to hold the truth of genuine democracy and therefore is the one entitled to enlighten the rest of the world on what it means. The first is a down-looking, self-righteous pompous bore with a penchant for intellectual masturbation. The second is an obnoxious old, perverted, corrupted aristocrat with a strong tendency of oneirism. And the third is a blood-thirsty, overbearing teenager who will never grow up.

The victory claimed in 1945 by the English-speaking world has allowed it to establish its domination over the world. Today, modern civilisation is defined by its ideas and vision of what civilisation is: the world’s economy has been ruled by its sole vision of capitalism since the Bretton Wood agreements in the 1950s, it was made worse since it also claimed victory over socialism; its language must be spoken; its definition of freedom and democracy as well as the defence of “its interests“ – whatever that means – are forced upon other countries with guns and blood, because (not ‘if’) necessary; disregard of international laws and institutions are common for they are said to be holding back their mission of goodwill and yet they are also used as an excuse to bully and bleed parts of the world. But it has not understood that the fall of USSR did not mean its victory but the beginning of its decline in a world that needn’t take sides between two extremes anymore. Its ever-more aggressive bullying, betrayal of its allies, its eagerness to wind up and play along with its adversaries, the radicalisation of its single-minded view show its desperation in finding a new reason to be, to avoid its demise. The increasingly erratic bully from the West has been standing alone in the playground for too long and just realised that other students are gathering rocks and stones behind their coat.

I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you.

Have you ever asked yourself, after a few years with a person, friend or lover, “Why the hell am I friends with them? Why the hell am I even in a relationship with them? We have nothing in common and I can’t stand them!” ?

It always seems to suddenly pop in our heads that we are not made to be together, in love or friendship, even after many unsuspecting years.

Why do some people stay in our lives when others are coming and going? Why do we seem to commit to eternity to some people and let others go adrift? Why do people cheat when others manage to stay faithful to one person? What is in us that makes us want to be with someone, crave for them, need them, desire them even after 20 years on common life, even after the “honey moon phase” is long gone? Why do we, here, thread bounds that seem to just disappear with time when, there, others are like stainless steel?

I got to think about it a lot as I was preparing something to say at my best-friend’s wedding and I can still picture the flashing, fading views of London from the window of speeding buses and the Overground, with Kate Bush in my ears, as hints were crippling in my head.

The people who come and go in our lives (friends, lovers, spouses…) are people we meet because we need something. The sole purpose of these people for us is to provide us with something missing. We go to them looking for something, we expect something. Sometimes the need is such that we don’t see anything else, we love them unconditionally or we make ourselves believe that these feelings are true love, because they are saving us from something, providing us with something we think only them at this moment can. It then can take years maybe decades but once this need is fulfilled, we suddenly wonder why these people are still here.

A woman can genuinely love a man because she knows he will be the best father for the children she has always wanted, he has the qualities and situation for this. That’s what all animals do, we search for the best partner for the future of our offspring, the problem is that the society wants “romantic love” to be a prerequisite to the whole affair…

Anyway! Then she can realise after 20 years, after the children are grown up and gone, when her life can be about herself again, she realises that she never really liked him as a person. At first, she put up with his flaws, his unbearable sexism and his golf, mocking her for ageing as his beer-belly grew slowly and downwardly between his lower shirt and trousers. All because the need was still here and blinded her. It’s cruel use of a man as a “sperm bank and babysitter” but that’s the way we still often do.

It can be the same for the husband who wants to have a wife, to conform to society’s view of him as a the provider for a family, to have children, to be proud of them, to play with them, to pay for them and pretend he resented it, to teach them, to have his name carried on. All just to wake up one morning after the kids are not here to buffer between them, and to realise that his wife has not let him touch her for years and she never really liked sex with him to begin with, that she “has changed”: she doesn’t cook, clean anymore…in one word, she doesn’t pretend like she used to. He wakes up next to a woman who he used as a “baby-factory and babysitter” and who’s now a stranger to him.

It’s anecdotal with it comes to friendship, it’s terribly destructive when it comes to love relationships. In France, there’s a staggering rate of divorce within people in their 50s. I am also baffled by the amount of couples breaking up under the strain because they can’t manage to have kids: is it really the main reason why you got together? What about love? Did you ever love each other or was breeding the sole, unconscious purpose of each other?

(One can argue that it is, we are animals, but I will address that later.)

On the other hand, the people who do stay in our lives are the people of whom we have no expectations to begin with, whom we create a need around. They are not in our lives because we need something, they are in our lives because they are them, their individuality has become our need. In love, these couples will be the ones to last forever, not because the partners feel like they have to conform to society but because they actually, genuinely love each other and want to be together.

However, it shows better with friendship where romantic love and need for breeding (really?) is not blurring the lines.

Let’s take Alice, my aforementioned best-friend. At uni, I did something unusual for France which was to go to a university far away from where I live and where I knew no one but one friend from high-school. My only friend was in Psychology when I was in History with very different timetables and little time to no time to meet.

Thus, I had the need to meet people – the horror! Being alone is one thing, being lonely is another. Especially since I made a mistake with my train connections the first morning and missed the first lecture. I thought uni was like high-school at first and freaked out. So I went to some people who, themselves, missed the first lecture and we bounded on that: our missed, difficult train connections, we all came from very far and had up to 5 hours of transport everyday, we knew nobody and all needed some people to be with so we don’t drown in 40,000-student strong university.

From these friends, with time, I met others then others and one day, after eight months, I met her, Alice. It just happened! I was talking to someone else about Russian, of which I was relearning the alphabet, and she joined in because she learnt it for years. I spotted her before and was attracted to her aura but I was not looking for anything, I was not looking to meet someone her to be my friend of ten years. I was happy with the friends I had but then, because she was more attuned to me, because I was attracted to her in a way – even if it’s nothing carnal – I unconsciously did everything to make her stay in my life. After a few weeks, I realised I was spending less and less time with the first friends and was looking for her when alone. I can’t describe the good feeling I had when with her although I can describe exactly what the first friends were providing me: the feeling of confidence walking in the corridors with three other people and not alone

Then sentences, remarks (“For me, being gay is a disability”), attitudes, deeds that I really did not like from these erstwhile friends in certain situations surfaced suddenly when these situations repeated themselves and Alice’s reaction was what I was expecting from someone I would call “friend” and I know that losing her would feel like losing a sister.

I have the same story for Caroline, a girl I met at uni again, during my French Masters and we found ourselves being roommates in England. I thought she was naïve and a bit simplistic in her thinking at first and she thought I was a frightening, rough and raw pompous pain in the arse who would be a nightmare to live with. We are now also best-friends.

“I didn’t know I was looking for love until I found you”. It took me years to understand what it meant.

It means that, in friendship and love, the people we meet when you have a need to satisfy (fear, loneliness, sex, rescue, children, conformity to some rules…) will fade away once that need has been addressed. There was an expectation; you gave them a mission to provide you with something that was missing, to make you feel like you are full, accomplished, acceptable, good again.

Once it’s done, if they failed, you will either look for another disposal person who might fulfill this need. If they succeed, you will mostly (not always, things can change), you will mostly let them go to make room for the others: those who are the need themselves, those who bring something more, those who can make you a better, fuller person. The people you “accept for who they are, not what they can do for you”, the ones “can’t get enough of”.