Things I hate: The “Baby on board” sign.

Why are people putting it up? Why are they actually spending money to buy that crap when they have a baby? Haven’t they got better ways of spending money?

And what are they saying exactly? That it’s fine to drive-murder every other car  on the road as long as there isn’t a baby inside. “You’re not a baby? You don’t have a baby? Your life is worthless, you don’t deserve to be treated with car, you deserve to be crushed between two lorries.”

Are they really expecting people to care? To suddenly change their driving because of their spawn drooling and crying at the back of their car? The usual bullying twats to suddenly get a brain? You know, the boorish boy-of-a-mans speeding right on your tail, so close that you can’t even see their bonnet and part of their windshield anymore, so close that their flashing headlights are basically shagging your brake lights…Are they really expecting them to suddenly slow down and learn how to drive carefully?

People who drive like this bought the road along with their car, that’s their thinking. And nothing will make them drive better and in a more considerate manner, certainly not the thought of the sleep-eat-shit-all-day mix of your genetics.

Then I remembered the “Princess on board”, “Little angel on board”, “Piece of Heaven on board” and you realise that the sign has nothing to do with road safety. They don’t buy the sign to ask people to be careful but to show off.

“We have a baby!”, that’s the message of these signs so that even when you finally manage to escape the restaurant, the pub, the shops, the cinema, the park, the streets, the waiting room, the supermarket….when you are finally free of the outdoors of any kind and the indoors of every kind with the usual brat screaming his head out, when you think you’re finally free of the parents and their overbearing need to force their kids on you, you are proven wrong.

Even in your car when you are alone, they are here with their baby telling you to worship it, love it, agree to say it’s the most precious thing on the roads of the world even it just shat and barfed on itself. You have to admire the parents, congratulate the parents, be happy for the parents, praise the parents who have just saved humanity from extinction. You have to acknowledge that they have joined the realm of “better people” who will now make the life of everybody a fucking nightmare!

Because let’s be honest, people who feel like they have constantly advertise the product of their sexual encounters and push it in the face of everyone all the way to the inside of the car windows always end up being the worst kind: the ones who bully the world into agreeing that it’s time for their child to be given 12 apostles.

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